I Didn’t Marry My Soul Mate
A few days ago I read an article about a man who walked out on his wife of fifteen years and his three children for another married women with children of her own. This man and woman were convinced that they were “soul mates” and destined to be together. This story broke my heart and got me thinking about this cultural belief and obsession with destined romantic love. It is plastered all over movie screens and preached by the most well meaning people. This idea that destiny will guide you to your perfect someone, your “soul mate”, and they will be the only one who will ever truly complete you and make you happy. It is innocent enough, but the truth is, this mindset has led to a lot of confusion, and even destruction when it comes to dating, relationships, and marriage in our society.
And this is where my confession comes into play…. I didn’t marry my soul mate. Perhaps that sounds a bit alarming, but let me explain. About six years ago for the first time I began to let go of this belief in “soul mates”… at least in the way that culture portrays them. I let go of the idea that there is only one person on the face of the earth for each of us, who we are destined to meet, and if we don’t, we will never find true happiness.
Instead, I believe in soul mates who become soul mates, not simply by destiny, but through covenant, selfless love, commitment, and a daily choice. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in undeniable soul compatibility, in the divine nature of God, and even that He leads us into romantic relationships that are His best choice for us… but I also believe that we play a part in it all.
Although my love story with my husband felt incredibly divine and ordained, the truth is, we still had a choice in the matter. God led us to each other, and then we went through the hard work of human relationship to make the biggest decision of our lives. Either of us could have opted out or made the decision to marry someone else, but we didn’t. We chose each other. And today I can say that I didn’t know I was capable of loving another human being in the way that I love my husband. I didn’t know that love existed like ours.
Yet both my husband and I acknowledge, that there will come a time, whether it be five, ten, or twenty years down the road when we may not make each other as happy as we do today, or where we may not feel such natural feelings of gushy love for each other. Does that mean that we made the wrong choice? Does that mean that we are no longer each other’s soul mates? Does that mean that, in those moments, we should give ourselves to the next attractive and enticing person who comes along and makes us feel all of those feelings again? By no means!
That simply means that we are human, and that all relationships progress and deepen. They have their ups and downs. The one thing that prevails through all of it is a the choice to love, day in and day out. If love were simply a feeling, I think it would be safe to say that all relationships would end after some time. Because as humans we grow, and change, and so do our feelings. The feelings of love are fickle, but the choice to love is the thing that makes love so powerful. Perhaps this all sounds incredibly unromantic to some of you, but I guarantee you, this idea is the epitome of romance. Exactly because it brings into play human virtue and agape love.
The beauty of love is that fifty years in, it can look at the beloved and say, “I see to the depths of you. I see your scars, your failures, and your flaws. We have been through hell and back, but I love you more today than I ever have.” That’s what real love is made of. And that to me is what a true soul mate is. Not an ignorant, starry eyed young love, but a love that’s been tested by time and has come out the other end stronger.
So no, I didn’t marry my soul mate… BUT every day, the man whom God led me to and the man I chose to marry, becomes more and more my soul mate. Every day our plot thickens, our souls intertwine, and our spirit and flesh grow into unity. W.H. Auden said it best, “Like anything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion, but the creation of time and will, any marriage, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate.”
How has your belief or disbelief in “soul mates” impacted your view of romantic love and/or the way you do relationship? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Mandy,
I enjoyed reading this article.
I am not sure however, that I fully agree with the way ‘soul mate’ has been defined in the article. To me, a ‘soul mate’ is simply the person God leads you to meet. A soul mate is God’s preferred choice for a person’s marriage life, as I understand it. Of course, even with a soul mate, a marriage will take effort to work and will get better with time if effort is put into it. The emotions that are accompanied with being newly in love will fade at times but the spark can also be reignited. I think that sometimes people make the mistake of ignighting a new spark with someone else instead of reignighting it in their own relationships. I really believe though that there are things couples can do to keep that newly in love feeling from fading- praise, support, time together, encouragement and prayer together go a long way. Just my two cents!!
Anonymouos, thanks so much for writing in! I loved hearing your thoughts! And I actually agree for the most part. I also think that a “soul mate” is God’s preferred choice. Perhaps the only place we differ is I think throughout a person’s life there could potentially be multiple soul mates (especially in the case of death and loss). I just think that what sets your one true soul mate apart is the covenant of marriage. The only reason I use the verbiage I do and explain it in this way is because of the culture we live in. Where people can easily get caught up in thinking the grass is always greener on the other side and abandon their covenant with their spouse simply because someone came along who is new and exciting and seems a little more divine than their current spouse. To put it in other terms, I think the divinity of romantic love is found through covenant, not through instantaneous attraction. But of course this is just my take on it. I really respect and appreciate hearing your thoughts as well. Thanks so much for sharing!
Interesting thoughts. But where do we get this concept of a soul mate? Is it biblical? Is it from Jesus Christ? Is it a modern concept to sell us stuff? Is it just another lie our culture has fed us ro keep us always unsatisifed, always looking always buying something new and improved to fill the hole in our hearts that only Jesus Christ can fill.
Sarah, exactly. 😉 I think the concept of “soulmates” originated in Greek mythology, so it is absolutely not biblical. Which is why it is surprising to me that Christians often preach it as if it is. I do think God can lead and guide us to be people who are His best for us, but they’re not soul mates in the way that Greek Mythology teaches. I suppose it’s just a matter of semantics. But anyway, good thoughts.