On Seeking God For Intimacy Before Answers

I peered out my window just in time to see the clouds break over the wings of the plane… It had only been two weeks since I had been in a similar seat, headed in the opposite direction. But as the familiar geography of Los Angeles came into view, tears began to fill my eyes, “This is home”, I thought. I gazed out the window as we flew high above the massive Wilshire Grand Tower and the iconic Hollywood sign. It was all familiar, but for the first time since I had moved here, I felt like an orphan in my own city. Like all of the comforts that I found so much security in for so long, no longer mattered. And all I wanted was to surrender everything to God – to go wherever he wanted, and to do whatever He willed.

Days and weeks passed, yet my soul remained unsettled. I prayed. I sought God until I found myself, knees bent and face to the floor in the silence of my bedroom, seeking Him for answers…for clear direction. I held my tongue and waited for what seemed like ages, but still nothing came. A wave of urgency rushed over me. If God cares, if I am truly His daughter, why doesn’t He give me clear direction? It wasn’t until my prayers began to turn to doubt and the silence pressed in on all sides that His spirit spoke to mine and said, “Will you seek intimacy with Me before you seek answers from Me?

“Intimacy?” I thought… “What does that even mean?” All that came to mind in the moment was the distorted and convoluted definition that culture had fed me my entire life. Our society defines it primarily in terms of a sexual union, and what we are left with is a very narrow perception of what it truly is—like trying to define the ocean by a raindrop. But in that moment I knew that God wanted to transform my view of intimacy and teach me what it looks like for it to be the vehicle through which I experience His leading in my life. 

One of the dictionary’s definitions of intimacy is “knowing and being known.” I realized that intimacy is not only about opening up and allowing ourselves to be seen, but also actively pursuing the heart of another. Pursuit of another’s heart isn’t just some romantic, good sounding notion. It requires intention, effort and fortitude. It requires time spent together, sacrifice, vulnerability and willingness to grow ultimately into one unit. On a human level that is exactly what true intimacy is – complete, holistic oneness. And intimacy with God is something still greater: spiritual oneness. (John 4:24)

As I began to see intimacy in these terms, in it’s correct and true context, I began to understand why God answered my plea for answers with a call to seek Him first. Undoubtedly, He could have given me the answers that I craved in that moment, but that would have take away from the communion, the journey, the experience of trust, and His greater glory. We serve a God whose ultimate priority with His creation is relationship. He wants to go on the journey with us. He wants us to rely on Him fully, to be concerned first with pursuing Him, not solely for answers but for the beauty of Himself. Exactly because the answers were never the point – His glory always was. And though answers eventually come, they are a bi-product of intimacy, not visa versa. Just like in any human relationship – direction and growth come through vulnerability, honesty and deep intimacy. How much more with our Creator God? He desires to lead us and guide us but never void of relationship. John 10:27 says, “My sheep hear my voice; I know them, and they follow me” This passage is a great reminder that when two hearts beat as one there is no mistaking the other’s voice. Answers become the byproduct, the result, of a relationship that goes so much deeper. And in those times when His voice may seemingly be silent, He offers His presence as the promise. Matthew 28:20 says, “Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

It is that very promise that ultimately gives us strength to move forward whether blindly or with clarity. It is that very promise that gives us hope to trust, no matter the outcome. Sometimes His answer might simply be to step out and trust, other times it might be clear direction in what steps we are to take but no matter the circumstance, if we are seeking Him first for intimacy, we can be sure that He will be with us now and forever. His presence is the promise that our hearts are ultimately searching for.

Note: This is a post that I wrote originally five months ago during a time I was feeling my heart pulled towards going to the nation of Cambodia, potentially long term, to work with women saved out of the sex-trade. It has been powerful to see the ways that God has guided my heart over the past several months through walking the path of trust and focusing on my walk with Him. And though, I will be taking a trip to Cambodia the end of this year, He has made it clear that for now I am called to be faithful and invest fully right where He has me.